


2% Milk

by jamieme



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Attempt at Humor, Aunt May is dead, Bananas, Fluff, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Pining Peter Parker, Precious Peter Parker, Strangers to Lovers, Wade Has Issues, Wade has scars, drug mention ig, mj is mentioned, notes are passed, peter is bi, peter is just a broke college student, peter is so whipped, queer is an umbrella term, spideypool prompt bang, this was supposed to be just fluff but there's actually feelings in this so, wade does NOT do drugs, wade has hair, wade used to be in the military
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 23:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15302766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamieme/pseuds/jamieme
Summary: my cat keeps breaking into your apartment next to mine so I tied a note to its collar to apologize and you write back so we keep exchanging cat notes and you're pretty funny





	2% Milk

**Author's Note:**

> !! this is written for the spideypool prompt bang !! prompt #54 !!
> 
> check out the [edits](https://im-a-beautiful-meme.tumblr.com/post/175922725229/prompt-54-my-cat-keeps-breaking-into-your) and the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/currently.alive/playlist/1fpa9WC2ZuQxTObmZ3eEdW?si=FihORq9gQDa4wH8tN64EfQ) I made for this fic too!
> 
> I wanna thank [neonbat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neonbat/pseuds/Neonbat) and [cinco](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinco/pseuds/Cinco) for doing an incredibly amazing job at editing this fic! they were so nice and so so helpful!!
> 
> also, thanks to all my friends who encouraged me to write this even though I've never written spideypool before!!
> 
> now without further ado, please enjoy my poor attempt at humor and fluff and falling in love  
> (also I imagine the cat as an Abyssinian cat)

   It’s late at night, and Peter’s neck hurts from craning down to look at his laptop. His eyes feel bruised and dry from looking at his screen for…. _Oh, what do you know?_ It’s 1:17 a.m. and the paper is due first thing in the morning. He's been working for five hours, but at least he's only two pages away from being finished.

   _Sleep is for the weak,_ Peter thinks, bracing himself for another hour of writing and editing. _Oh, God, I wish I-_

  His thoughts are immediately cut off when he hears his scratched coffee table rattle behind him.

Peter rises from his chair and slowly approaches the table in the corner. His lights were all turned off, blinds closed, with only his laptop screen dimly illuminating the small, near-empty apartment.

  “Is anybody there?” Peter asks cautiously, still tiptoeing to the corner. There was nothing nor anyone that he could see, but something _definitely_ moved the coffee table, _and oh fuck, are there rats?_

  Peering over his ratty old couch, he sticks out his arm towards the coffee table, hoping he still has all his fingers by the time the sun rises again.

  The only thing he hears as soon as his fingertips come in contact with the small wooden table is a yeowl. Suddenly he sees big yellow eyes jump out from the dark _at him._

  Peter screams so fucking loud ( _oh geez, I can already sense the noise complaints…_ ) and falls back onto his ass. He’s still fearing for his life (with his eyes closed and his arms wide open because fuck college, man) when he feels something soft touch his stomach.

  Hysteria bubbling in his throat, he cracks an eye open and looks down to his lap to see…

  A cat.

  It’s a fucking cat.

  …

  Peter feels mildly disappointed that he’s not gonna die tonight.

  Exhaustion from being awake for the past 32 hours with no naps catches up with him and Peter begins to feel his eyelids droop a little, and-

 Wait.

  _Why the_ _fuck is there a cat in my apartment? When there’s no pets allowed in the building? And I’m on the fifth floor with only buildings surrounding this building? And why is it rubbing against my stomach and purring and, oh man, I hope it doesn’t have an owner because it’s actually kinda cute and fluffy, and what should I name this soft whisker puppy?_

 Peter plays with the cute kitty for a while until he remembers he still has to finish his paper that's due in a few hours. He sets down the bronze cat on the couch and wonders if he should feed...Jeffrey... something. Before Peter decides against it, he quickly looks up what he could feed a cat and ends up giving Jeff a peeled banana. Peter chuckles as he watches the cat awkwardly bite into the fruit.

  Sitting back at his countertop/desk, Peter finishes his report in an hour, and then drags himself to bed, not even bothering to change his clothes, and forgetting about Jeffrey.

 

+

 

The sun shines through the blinds, making him wince from the brightness. He’d forgotten to close them the night before.

 The alarm echoes through his room, making Peter bury his head under his pillow and reach for the snooze button. Peter sighs as he finally sits up and readies himself for the day.

  As he walks towards his kitchen, he remembers the night before. Through all his exhausted haze, Jeffrey is clear in his mind. Peter begins to look for the cat around his apartment but Jeff must have left while he had been sleeping because all that’s left is a chewed up, half-eaten banana. He quickly throws it away in disgust.

  Peter pouts a bit. The cat was so soft, but he really couldn’t actually take care of the cat. Maybe Jeffrey would come back tonight...

 

+

 

It’s late at night again, and Peter hears the coffee table rattle as he’s eating his off-brand cereal.

 Grinning, Peter goes to sit at his couch, and Jeff jumps from the dark to sit on his lap. The cat purrs and leans into Peter’s hand as he pets him. Peter’s mildly concerned about fleas and other things stray cats usually have.

  The cat suddenly stops and looks around the apartment curiously, sniffing.

  “Oh, do you want another banana?” Peter asks, already getting up to go to the fridge.

 He grabs another banana, this time only giving the cat a half.

   Tentatively, Peter holds the chunk out to Jeffrey, who cranes his neck to lick the banana. Peter squats so he can hold the banana lower for Jeff. The cat just keeps licking. Peter is mesmerized.

  After a few moments, the chunk slips from Peter’s fingers and slides on the kitchen floor. Jeff hurriedly runs after it, claws clacking against the tile, and begins to gnaw on his prey. Peter just grimaces from how dirty the kitchen floor must be and wonders if Jeff can taste all the germs and dust on the banana.

  Peter washes his hands and goes back to eating his cereal. He stands there in his small kitchen, contently watching Jeffrey munch on the piece of banana.

  Once the cat is finished with the fruit, he once again looks around the apartment. Jeff probably realized there were no more bananas because he ran to the couch, jumped onto the coffee table, pawed at the window’s latch which tilted the window open ( _...I thought that was locked_ ) and slides over the window pane to the thin railing outside. Peter tiptoes towards the window, slightly leaning out, barely catching Jeff creep around the corner of the building.

  Peter is impressed at how quiet the whole process is.

  Peter wonders if Jeff has an owner, and if the owner knows that no pets are allowed in the building.

 

+

 

 The next time Peter sees Jeffrey it’s two nights later, and the cat is wearing… _is that seriously dental floss?_

   Jeff is wearing a loop of dental floss with a note attached around his neck. Peter frowns at the floss for a minute until Jeffrey meows for banana.

  Peter had gone to the grocery store the other day just to buy Jeff some bananas and a kitty bowl (don’t judge. It’s not his fault he gets attached way too easily). Peter peels one ripe banana and breaks off a chunk and places it on the clean food bowl.

   The bronze cat sniffs at the foreign bowl first then begins to lick the fruit. Peter reaches down and carefully pets Jeff and unties the floss around his neck gently.

 Pulling the floss that had been threaded through the note, Peter ruffles Jeff’s ears, who looks back at Peter with a yellow glare. Peter snorts at the goops of fruit stuck to the cat’s whiskers and can’t help but get his camera and take a picture.

  Finally looking at the small note, Peter first notices that it’s written in red crayon and the handwriting is actually kind of neat.

**i didnt kno the Orange Man liked bananas sorry they keep breaking into ur apartment whoever u r**

**– dp**

**ps banana scented hairballs? way worse than my asshole after a burrito happy hour**

At first, Peter was so confused as to who the Orange Man was until he realizes that the note is from Jeff’s ( _the Orange Man? What the hell kind of name is that, what_ ) owner.

  Jeffrey looks at Peter with blank eyes and somehow it feels like he’s looking deeply into Peter’s soul, wondering why Peter calls him Jeff.

   At this point they’re just having a staring contest. Until Peter gets up for a pen and piece of paper, setting down his camera carefully. His handwriting is messy and the black ink smears a bit.

   **It’s okay, Jeffrey seemed banana-deprived. Don’t worry, I made sure I’m not slowly killing him.**

**– Peter**

**p.s. Also please feel free to never describe your anus to me ever again.**

  Peter looks at the note for another two and a half minutes, wondering if he’s being too rude to Jeff’s owner. Then he decides _fuck it_ because it’s 12:23 am, and Peter is tired. (He's always tired, but that’s just a side effect of school).

   He ties some plastic ribbon he found underneath his bed around Jeff’s neck while threading it through a hole in the note, just like DP had.

   After making sure the ribbon wasn’t too tight, Peter pets Jeffrey before the cat escapes out the window.

  Peter is left on the floor wondering what DP is going to think about the name Jeffrey.

 

+

 

 The next morning, actually the whole day, Peter felt anxious waiting for Jeffrey to come back, hopefully with another note from DP.

  _Was I too rude? I mean, DP is Jeff's owner, I shouldn’t just say those kinds of things! And I shouldn’t be feeding another person’s cat! That’s- that is not normal._

Classes go by in a blur and Peter doesn't take very good notes. He just feels so anxious and awful and oh god. _I am a horrible person. Why did I still call him Jeffrey even though his name is the Orange Man? Although that_ really _is a terrible name..._

 What even let him write back? Why did he even do that? Jesus fucking Christ.

  Peter pulls at his hair. All this waiting was making him overthink so much that he still hasn’t finished the paragraph he's been writing for the past hour.

  Groaning loudly, Peter gives up and decides to just distract himself with TV. What’s the harm? It’s only 7pm, Peter has plenty of time to finish his paragraph.

 

+

  

  He hears a soft mewl somewhere in the distance.

 He then feels a clawed paw push at his side. It kind of hurt, like small needles poking at him.

 “What- ” Peter wakes up. Realizing he had fallen asleep on his couch while watching TV, he sees Jeff at his side looking up at Peter expectantly.

  There’s a mix of excitement and fear that fills Peter when he sees another note tied to Jeff’s neck with new dental floss.

   With one hand Peter takes the note and with the other he pets Jeffery’s back. The cat purrs, and Peter notices the cat making biscuits on his lap. It’s so cute Peter wants to take a video.

  Opening the note quickly, Peter holds his breath.

**oh pete oh peter oh petey-pie cutie-pie bananas make gucci hairballs and fat kitties i dont mind a cutie like u making Sneep-Snoop gorgeous**

**– dp**

**ps jeff?????? no thank u**

**psps they prefer they/them pronouns**

 Peter let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t understand half of the note, but DP didn’t seem to be upset or mad at Peter.

  Peter pets Jeff (Sneep-Snoop? Is that a nickname??) and pushes the cat off his lap gently to go get a banana.

  The cat runs to Peter once he (them?) smells the banana. Peter chuckles, giving Jeff a piece. It’s so weird to see a cat enjoy a banana, of all things.

  Peter leaned on his counter as he watched Jeffrey eat the fruit. Peter wondered if it’s bad that he’s luring someone else’s cat into his apartment with bananas.

…Yeah, that sounded terrible even in his head.

 But DP doesn’t seem to mind?

  Reading the note again, he makes a face at the whole note. It made sense? Maybe. Peter still feels sleepy from his nap.

  Jeff meows at Peter, sitting and staring up at him. Their eyes seem wider and more innocent in the kitchen light, his sleek fur gleaming, framing their lithe body. They are really well taken care of. DP must really love this cat, which made Peter respect them no matter what weird shit they wrote. What was Peter even trying to do? Steal someone else’s cat?

  Possibly.

 Peter bites his lip as he goes to grab his pen and a notepad. And his camera.

**Oh sorry, man, didn’t mean to misgender your cat. Also, just give it to me straight, what’s really your cat’s name?**

**– Peter**

**P.S. I’m a 22 year old college student, there’s no such thing as cute**

**P.P.S. Is it okay if I keep feeding your cat? They’re my only friend**

 Is it weird to give a stranger this information about himself? Peter rationalizes that he is technically babysitting DP’s cat, so therefore DP needed to know his cat is in good hands.

 Yeah, that’s it.

 

+

 

  The next day, Peter goes to the pet store. He stands in front of the bags of cat food for a solid five minutes, wondering if buying cat food means he’s too attached to Jeff.

  He should just stop feeding the cat! Why is Peter doing this to himself!

 ...but Jeff is really fluffy and already knows half of Peter’s deepest secrets.

 Peter groans and drags his hand down his face. He reaches for some cat toys instead.

 Who knows if Jeff is allergic to something? Who knows if- if DP is allergic to something?!

 This is all so difficult to Peter, but he doesn’t want to stop seeing the cat and is lowkey scared of DP, who Peter is sure is a lovely person (probably a man, Peter guesses from the notes). Maybe he should just adopt his own cat…

 

+

 

 It’s already 7:16 pm by the time he arrives at his apartment, and Peter needs to work on a project.

  He goes to his room to change clothes and promptly lets out a scream when he sees Jeff sitting on his bed looking straight into his soul.

  Leaning on the doorframe, Peter catches his breath. Jeff tilts his head, curiously, and it melts Peter’s heart.

  Changing into an old t-shirt with a bunch of holes and sweatpants, Peter cuddles with Jeff on his bed. This really was the most affectionate touch he’s had in almost two years. Ever since Aunt May died and MJ left for California, it’s just been Peter by himself. He wasn’t lying when he said Jeff is his only friend. It has been incredibly lonely.

 But Peter forgets the loneliness with all the papers and research and thesis and projects he has to do for college.

  And DP’s notes!

 Peter quickly looks around his room for the note once he notices the ripped dental floss next to Jeff. _Oh shit oh shit oh crap oh man oh-_

Finally, Peter spots a crumpled-up note underneath his bed.

**how bold of u to assume i am a man baby boy**

**– dp**

**ps i am a man**

**psps pls keep feeding my cat sometimes i forget to feed them and they get grouchy but they apparently love bananas and you bc they keep going to your place and refuse the bananas i give them**

**pspsps i cant give it to u straight if im not straight**

**pspspsps how dare u try to confine Snert to just one name**

  Peter hadn’t noticed he had been grinning while reading until he finished and felt like an idiot smiling to himself.

  So, _Snert_ (?) only liked eating bananas from Peter? He decided to be flattered by that fact.

 Jeff pushes against Peter’s unoccupied hand, leaning into his palm. Automatically, Peter pets the cat gently.

  And also? DP is queer? Peter already feels himself liking him even more.

    It isn’t a secret Peter is bisexual (even though people seemed surprised as hell when he tells them), and he definitely did not have LGBT+ friends. Wait, is DP his friend? They had to be, DP trusts Peter with his cat.

  Peter decides to forget it for now and goes to write another note to DP, smiling. Jeff curls up in his lap.

**Don’t worry about it, every time Jeff comes to my apartment is a blessing. And also, I’m a man too, not a baby nor a boy.**

**– Peter**

**P.S. It’s okay if you can’t give it to me straight because I’m not either, bi the way**

 

+

 

 They exchange notes everytime Jeff visits Peter. He used to be worried that the notes would get lost or fall off of Jeff’s makeshift collar, but their conversation always picked up from where they left off each time.

   Was it weird that Peter had begun to really like DP? The guy is funny as hell and his use of imagery is...really something else. It’s endearing how much DP cares about Jeff, always talking about how much they cuddle and play together.

   And Jeff is probably the best companion Peter has ever not asked for. He even read online that cats aren’t even supposed to be this friendly to strangers, but Jeff is just _that_ fucking loveable.

  Peter doesn’t mind these two new additions to his life. Besides, Jeff is a perfect model.

 

+

 

**do u kno how difficult it 2 order some fuckin coffee u probably don’t but it is so imagine my surprise when i find out there’s a new cafe thats not only pet friendly but also the employees r actually nice when they see my face like im probs in shock rn like it’s just so nice to order coffee in the afternoon, which is the best time to have coffee btw, instead of having to make my own u kno**

**– dp**

  It’s been two weeks of Peter and DP passing notes, and Peter’s honestly wondering why they haven’t exchanged phone numbers instead.

 Jeff didn’t seem to mind having to come to Peter’s apartment almost every night. Peter still didn’t know how Jeffrey had even found his apartment in the first place, but he doesn’t really care.

    The amount of photos Peter has of the cat is actually unbelievable. There’s more photos of Jeffrey than there are in his “favorites” folder, and that’s a fucking lot.

  Anyway. Peter really likes this cat, and he really likes the cat’s owner too.

**First, what’s wrong with your face? Unless that’s a sensitive topic, in which case you don’t have to answer my question. Second, what cafe is it because I would love to enjoy some coffee while being surrounded by fluffy animals**

**– Peter**

  Before he let Jeff leave his apartment, Peter wanted to put the thin brown collar he had bought earlier (it’s cute and Peter wanted to see how it would look on Jeff). He had read that cats will most likely wear a collar, but Peter’s still scared that Jeff might get mad and scratch him.

  That’s another thing, Jeff has never scratched Peter, which he’s pretty proud of since it means he hasn't done anything that would upset the cat.

   Slowly, carefully, he secures the collar around the cat's neck.

  To his surprise, Jeff just looks at Peter curiously, and then head-butts him and licks his face, their rough tongue leaving streaks of saliva.

  It’s mildly gross, but Peter doesn’t mind having to clean his glasses of Jeff’s saliva because he _loves_ the unusual cat. He wonders what DP will think of the new collar as he attaches his note to it.

 

+

 

**oh baby boy this mug is an absolute mess and honestly im blessed to even have hair like no u def do not wanna see my face and anyway the cafe is like an hour away but that’s the kinda struggle ill go thru for overpriced coffee**

**– dp**

**ps i cant believe Mold let u put an actual collar on them wtf**

  At first, he frowns at reading the first part of the note, but grins when he practically hears DP's amazement about the collar.

  Also, what kind of fucking name is Mold? Peter has noticed what the cat’s name at the moment is by noticing that the name was the only thing that started with a capital letter in the whole note. Peter couldn’t help but laugh at the odd names DP came up with every time.

**I’m sure your face isn’t that bad. And I’m sure your hair is beautiful. Also I’m not sure how they let me put it on them either…**

**– Peter**

**P.S. you still haven’t told me where this cafe is**

   He was still confused as to why DP hated his face, but Peter guesses he’ll never know unless they meet. This makes Peter begin to wonder whether he’ll ever meet DP… He surprises himself by realizing that he actually _wants_ to meet him.

But it’s probably nothing.

 

+

 

  It’s two am when Jeff wakes him up.

 They’re mewling behind his bedroom door, scratching. Peter winces as he thinks about how he’s going to have to pay for the damages to the door. He sighs as he gets up and goes to get the cat.

  But then he notices the note attached to the collar and smiles.

**would u believe me if i said i have no fuckin clue where it is except that i just kno how to get there cuz i always seem to find it on my runs or when i walk 2% Milk so idk where it is baby boy**

**– dp**

**ps my hair is v fuckin beautiful thank u for noticing**

Peter is so concerned that he wastes no time writing his note.

**wait wait wait you waLK YOUR CAT WHAT THE HECK**

**– Peter**

**P.S. ew exercise**

_Of fucking course_ , DP walks his cat. Peter laughs so hard even if it’s fuck o’ clock in the morning. Jeff paws at his leg with concern.

  And _of course_ DP has absolutely no sense of direction. God, Peter loves how quirky and _random_ DP is.

 Wait, what.

 Instead of backtracking and thinking about his feelings, he attaches the note to Jeff’s collar and hurries to bed, wanting sleep away his stupid thoughts.

 

+

 

**baby boy my muscles r no joke probs the only thing i like about myself also Taco Whore enjoys walks bc i never put them on a leash so they just walk around and when i call out they just appear i used to wonder if they were real but then u answered the notes so here we r**

**– dp**

 His first thought is, _that’s hot._ And before he can stop himself, he’s already fantasizing about DP’s muscles.

  Peter’s not sure when he developed this crush, but it’s there and it became glaringly obvious when his classmates ask him why he’s smiling in the middle of class and all he has to explain is ‘2% Milk’. Like who the fuck thinks about a stranger in the middle of class?

A nerd with a dumb fucking crush.

 Not having an absolute idea of how DP looks makes the fantasizing a little bit hard (heh, _hard_ ), but Peter likes to think that DP is cute no matter what because all Peter cares about is what’s on the inside. Granted, they only talk through notes so even that might be misleading. But Peter is still desperate to meet DP at some point.

 He’s thinking about all this as he pets Jeff, lying in his bed, and, without even realizing, he falls sleep.

 

+

 

 When he wakes up, he feels a small body next to him, and he opens his eyes to Jeff sleeping peacefully next to him.

 Peter itches to get his camera, finally being able to take a picture of Jeff in the daylight and with their eyes closed. But he’s afraid of waking up the cat. He’s trapped there, waiting until Jeffrey decides it’s times for him to move.

 Wait. _Why is Jeffrey still in my apartment?_

Oh, fuck! He didn’t write a note last night. Peter fell asleep before he had even written anything.

  Quickly, he gets up, no longer caring about waking up Jeff, and gets his notepad and pen. He tries to remember what DP’s note had said, then he realizes he could just read the note again. Peter still hasn’t had his coffee, he’s allowed to not be thinking properly.

**Well, I’m real so you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Also, I did not kidnap your cat, your cat just decided to sleep in my bed okay**

**– Peter**

**P.S. I swear I didn’t steal your cat**

  Peter chews his lips as he attaches the note to Jeff, who’s waiting patiently. Would DP be mad? This has never happened before, and honestly, he’s kind of hoping it happens again.

  As he watches Jeff leave, he wonders if the cat was specifically waiting for Peter to write a note.

 

+

 

  When Peter sees Jeff appear next to him, he lets out a sigh of relief. He had worried the whole day that somehow DP would ban Jeff from going to Peter’s apartment ever again.

  Petting the cat gently before giving them a banana, he reads the small piece of paper attached to the brown collar.

**petey i wasnt even home last night dont worry im just lowkey jealous Big Puss got to cuddle w a cutie like baby boy**

**– dp**

 His face lights up with a blush at being called cute. And the fact that DP wants to cuddle with him.

  Peter feels stupid. He doesn’t know anything about DP, he could be a murderer for all Peter knows.

**You’ve never even seen me, how the heck would you even know if I’m cute?**

**– Peter**

**P.S. I assure you I’m not cute, please don’t get your hopes up**

  Watching Jeff try to bite the banana helped Peter distract himself from the stupid thoughts he’s been having. DP is _literally_ a complete stranger.

  Peter bites his lip. _But he takes care of his cat, and he’s funny, and through all the notes, he’s never made me feel uncomfortable. Talking to him is so familiar, as if we’ve been friends for the longest time…_

  Jeff meows, demanding Peter’s attention. The bowl was empty, and Peter raised an eyebrow at the cat.

 “Is this you asking for more?” Peter asks the cat. Jeff just stares for a bit, then jumps into Peter lap at the counter, belly up.

  Peter just sighs, “Who’s your owner? Are they really nice? Do you think they would like me?” He slowly pets Jeff’s belly.

  _Great, now I’m venting to a cat._

 

+

 

**oh? i was getting my hopes up was i? well tbh anything is better than my face so ur beautiful no matter what hey did u kno bananas r also considered a berry and a herb so like we could smoke bananas**

**– dp**

**ps u said heck so therefore u r cute as fuck**

 Is it bad that Peter blushes at the fact that DP thinks him saying (writing?) the word heck is cute? God, Peter is so pathetic.

  And it’s kind of obvious how DP tries to change the subject from his face, even on a written note.

**No, that’s not how bananas or smoking even work…and sure bananadine is as real as my love life.**

**– Peter**

**P.S. My love life is nonexistent. Bananadine is just a fictional psychedelic, it’s just a prank from the 60s, please don’t try to smoke a banana.**

  He wonders if DP actually does drugs… that would explain a lot.

 

+

 

**baby boy i have no idea what bananadine is but oh does it sound sexy coming from ur lips u fukin nerd**

**– dp**

**ps whats ur major**

**psps u nerd**

  Peter hesitates before writing his note, Jeff in his lap licking his wrist and biting his fingers.

  It’s late night and Peter is working on a research paper. Is he really hesitating to tell DP his major? Yet he blushes at DP saying his voice is attractive even if DP has absolutely never met Peter or heard his voice?

  “Do you really think DP would like me?” Peter asks the cat, “I mean, I don’t even know his name! What does DP even stand for?!”

**I’m a major in biochemistry, so I guess you’re right that I’m a nerd. I like to think it’s not because of my collection of Star Wars posters and Game of Thrones action figures.**

**– Peter**

**P.S. Are you in college?**

  He wonders for a good second whether he’s being too intrusive, but DP _did_ ask him what his major is…

  Peter decides his question is okay and attaches his note to Jeff’s collar. He’s actually quite nervous about DP’s answer, whatever it is.

After Jeffrey leaves, Peter is too nervous, again, to keep writing his paper. His self-consciousness is eating him from the inside out.

   _You fucking nerd_ , Peter scolds himself.

+

  It late at night, as always, when Jeff comes to his apartment, and Peter’s working on finally finishing his research paper.

  He hears the telling rattle of his coffee table, and smiles. Peter goes to get a banana. Honestly, if it weren’t for his job at the Daily Bugle, he probably wouldn’t be able to afford all these bananas. He should probably be saving that money to pay for his student loans… _Let’s not think about that for now._

   When he finally looks at DP’s note, it’s a literal actual full paper folded up into a small square.

   _That’s a lot of words, and it’s all still written with a red crayon..._

 Peter’s slightly excited yet terrified. As he is about almost anything concerning DP.

**Baby boy this man definitely does not go to college. I was actually in special forces until I was honorably discharged because of a fire during an operation and other stuff, which is also the reason why my face and my body look fucked up. DP stands for Deadpool, which was my nickname in the Navy. Now i just work as a security manager. My name’s Wade Winston Wilson, and let me fucking tell you: life is like pulling a couple of ass hairs, but Concrete is the cilantro and salsa to my chewed up and burnt tortilla. And these notes are actually nice? Baby boy you’re the nicest person i’ve met since i’ve been discharged and you’re real and you care about my cat and I know i’m a stranger and this is probably creeping you the fuck out but i actually appreciate you so fucking much even if you know barely even know me and the only thing you care about is the cat.**

**Anyway.**

**– wade**

**Ps baby boy i knew you were a nerd but i didnt know you were a sexy one**

 Peter’s confused as to why his eyes are watering because this note isn’t even that emotional? But DP- _Wade_ shared all this with him _willingly._ Peter can’t begin imagine what shit Wade has been and is _still_ going through, and yes, this note is kind of out of the blue, but Peter doesn’t mind.

 It still takes a while for Peter to process the whole note. He’s been passing notes with a veteran? Knowing Wade, he wouldn’t want Peter acting differently towards him, not that Peter was going to.

 And Peter still has a major crush on Wade, and this note has only fueled it more. Which is still bad since they’ve never met in person, but at least he knows Wade isn’t a murderer. _Unless he’s lying!_

Peter’s anxiety really needs to shut the fuck up. Petting Jeff does just that.

 He decides his note needs to be as open as Wade’s, he doesn’t want to say anything that would drive Wade away.

**Nice to meet you, Wade. I’m Peter Benjamin Parker, and I’m the typical broke college student who works as a photographer at Daily Bugle and buys too many bananas to bribe a cat into their apartment so I can keep talking to their owner. Trust me, Wade, at this point, I care about you too. And I don’t care about your physical appearance, no matter how “bad” you think it is, because you’re a funny and caring guy, and I’m lucky to be your friend. All those other people are honestly missing out. And oh boy I wish I were sexy, I’d probably have dated someone by now.**

**-Peter**

**P.S. Thank you for your service**

 

+

 

  It feels like the millionth time Peter sighs in relief when he sees Jeff’s eyes in the dark and a piece of paper attached to their collar.

**yo- a word **i made up a mix of no and yes u use it when u hate urself and any decision u make after 11 pm i was drunk when i wrote the last note whoops****

**– wade**

**ps does that mean ur a virgin**

**psps wow petey pie thank u i honestly am fucking speechless ur too nice to someone like me i cant believe we r friends i mightve cried**

**pspsps i looked u up but all i saw were the pretty pictures u take**

    Peter has to think for a while to recall what in the hell gave Wade the idea that he’s a virgin.

   Oh, yeah. Peter remembers now.

    Well, he’s not a virgin! So! Why is Peter blushing? It’s like he’s in high school again.

 _Fuck,_ Peter laughs nervously to himself. Besides, Wade _actually_ looked him up. Peter is so glad that Jameson hates him too much to give him an actual page on the Daily Bugle website.

  And if Wade was drunk, does that mean he wishes Peter didn’t know about him?

 “Oh, man, what am I going to do?” Peter asks Jeff, who’s currently licking his favorite fruit. “Am I actually desperate? Am I _really_ this pathetic?”

   Peter backtracks into his thoughts. He’s not pathetic for liking _Wade,_ he’s pathetic because he likes someone he’s never met. For some reason, Peter feels he needs to clear this up with himself (he feels guilty for even making it seem that Wade is pathetic. Because he is definitely not.)

   After playing with Jeff for a while, he decides to just get it over with.

**You definitely did not make up the word yo, but I’ll give it you, sure. And why the fuck do you care if I’m a virgin?? Just so you know, I’m not! Though that doesn’t mean I don’t regret it.**

**Anyway. Why shouldn’t I be nice to you? You’re nice to me, so I just think it’s the right and fair thing to do. And I was kind of wondering when I could take pictures of Jeffrey in the daylight? Not that they’re not beautiful in the pictures I’ve taken already**

**– Peter**

**P.S. I hope it’s okay that I’ve taken pictures of your cat, I promise I haven’t published them anywhere**

Chewing his lip, Peter wonders if Wade is going to take the hint.

 

+

 

   It’s Friday and Peter’s on the subway when he realizes that they’ve never flirted. Like, nothing they have said to each other should make Peter blush. When Wade calls him “cute” doesn’t count because Wade hasn’t seen him. So why oh why does Peter like Wade?

   Exhausted from school and work, Peter flops onto his couch, his glasses digging into his brow bone.

 When he looks up, he sees golden eyes staring at him 5 cm away from his face. Peter lets out a surprised cry and leaps away.

  “Oh, fuck.” Peter sighs, a hand on his chest, “You can’t scare me like that. _Jesus._ ”

  Jeff just tilts his head, ears perked up, and he _has to_ pet them.

  Peter rubs his eyes, already heading for his kitchen.

**Petey i think i actually remember where the pet cafe is**

**– wade**

**ps its at clinton st and stanon st in the lower east side**

**psps u might wanna think abt it again my face is not good for an eating environment if u know what i mean**

   All his exhaustion gone, Peter smiles and he feels excitement begin to bubble inside him.

  Wade wants to meet him. They’re going to actually meet. There’s actually a cat cafe.

   Jeff reaches up and tugs at Peter’s pants, demanding his fruit. Peter smiles as he places a piece of banana on their bowl, and they scurry to it.

**I’ll see you there on Saturday at 11 am**

**– Peter**

**P.S. I’d like to think your face is for all environments**

**P.P.S I’ll be there with my camera**

  Honestly, it’s not news that Peter is a terrible flirt. But he hopes he’ll make Wade at least a bit more confident.

   Jeff purrs.

 

+

+

+

 

   This is definitely in his top 3 most nerve-wracking moments of his life, the first one was when they received his aunt’s diagnosis, and the second was when he was opening his admission letter for college.

  He’s currently sitting at a table for two, in the back in case Wade _really_ isn’t comfortable with his face. His camera is sitting on the table, and Peter hopes it’s obvious enough for Wade to know who he is.

  For some reason, Peter had decided to get to the cafe early so it’s only 10:46 and he’s been sitting here alone for about twenty minutes, just staring at all the dogs and cats (and there were even turtles and lizards!).

   His legs bouncing up and down from nerves. _Fuck fuck fuck._ Peter wanted to just run out and hide. His anxiety spikes up every time the cafe door opens. Waiting is too much for him.

   In that moment, the cafe door opens, and a tall man with broad shoulders and a hoodie shadowing his face comes in.

  Then, behind the man trots in a bronze cat with golden eyes and a thin brown collar.

 Peter stops breathing.

 He watches the man scan the cafe, stopping when he sees Peter’s camera. Peter stares at the man, a shy smile on his face.

   _Oh, god, I’m going to throw up._

Then man lifts up his face, and Peter can see the big pink scars covering the man’s face and bright blue eyes, and he looks pretty young. Peter’s smile grows bigger, to assure Wade.

  And... _fuck, Wade’s hot,_ he thinks as Wade walks closer to him. Jeff follows him closely. Should Peter stand up to greet him? Is Wade just going to sit down? Should he say hi to Jeff as well? God, why is he so awkward.

   “Heya, Petey.” Wade says. _AND OH FUCK HIS VOICE IS HOT WHAT_

Peter stands up in a hurry, nearly tripping, and blushes, “H-hi, Wade.” He holds his hand out like the awkward dumbass he is.

  Wade chuckles and shakes his hand. Peter’s heart is definitely beating ten times faster than normal. Wade is staring at him with wide eyes, and Peter hesitates sitting down until Wade sits down in the chair in front of him.

  So. They’re both at the cafe. There’s animals everywhere. And Wade is gorgeous.

 Jeff jumps onto Peter’s lap, nuzzling his stomach, and Peter yelps in surprise. Immediately, he pets them out of habit. Jeffrey purrs softly.

“They really like you, huh?” Wade says, and Peter blushes again. _What, am I in high school again? I’m twenty-two years old! Get it together!_

  “Must’ve been all those bananas…” Peter manages to reply, looking at him carefully.

 Wade stares at him some more, and Peter doesn’t know what to say. Wade is really muscular, Peter notices. He coughs awkwardly.

  “I can’t believe you lied to me,” Wade finally says, “I expected more from a nerd like you.” Wade shakes his head disapprovingly.

 “What?! What did I lie about?” Peter asks, surprised.

 “You _are_ cute!” Wade practically shouts, “You’re hella cute, baby boy, and your glasses- I can’t believe you told me otherwise.” Wade _pouts._

  He’s actually serious. This is where Peter’s face lights up like a fucking christmas tree.

  “Oh, _whatever._ ” Peter rolls his eyes, “ _You_ lied to me. Wade, you’re like impossibly hot.”

  Oh shit, he hadn’t meant to say that. Now Wade’s definitely going to know that Peter likes him. Would it be acceptable if Peter goes to the restroom and stays there for the next two decades?

  “Is that a pun?” Wade asks, narrowing his eyes at Peter.

 Peter chokes and begins to panic, but Wade’s already laughing.

“Shut up. I’m serious.” Peter deadpans. “Your eyes are really pretty and your jawline is so strong. Your scars aren’t even ugly…” Peter stops, eyes wide. Aaaa, did he get too carried away? Fuck. _I gotta fix this._

  “And I haven’t even seen your hair.” Peter smiles nervously. He hopes he hasn’t said something incredibly offensive. 

   Instead of Wade frowning, he just stares at him with something that Peter guesses is wonder.

  “You’re actually serious.”

  Peter shrugs, “Why would I lie to my friend?”

  Then Wade pulls off his hoodie, revealing longish blonde hair, and someone help Peter because he’s becoming a mess.

   Jeffrey looks up at Wade from Peter’s lap and meows, catching both their attention.

  “And I can’t believe you brought them without a leash. I can’t- Jeff must, like, be in love with you.” _I mean,_ I _would follow you anywhere. Is that a weird thought?_ Peter decides not to think about it.

   “Oh, yeah. He’s probably the only one.” Wade smiles, and Peter’s heart shouldn’t be melting after hearing such a deprecating sentence, but Wade’s smile is so fucking beautiful.

  “Well, I don’t know about that.” Peter says without thinking.

 Wade furrows his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

  Peter splutters, “I’m sure there’s someone who likes you, ‘cause like I said, you’re attractive.” Oh wow, he might as well have said _I love you._

Wade still looks confused but lets it go.

 “So, Petey, have you had coffee yet?” Wade asks, looking at the small menu on the table. Peter is eternally grateful for the change of subject.

  “Nope.” Peter answers, putting his camera back in its case to get it out of the way, “I heard it’s better to drink it in the afternoon.”

 “The latte is pretty good.” Wade looks at him with a small smile, his eyes twinkling.

 Peter can’t help but smile back. “Then that’s what I’ll have.”

 

+

 

  They walked to a park closeby, looking for the perfect place for Jeff’s photoshoot. Surprisingly, it hasn’t been awkward between them (except at the beginning in the cafe) and Peter likes that fact. After talking in the cafe, he really thinks he’s made friends with Wade.

After finding a bench, Wade calls out to Jeff ( _“come here, you fucking worm.”_ ) and Jeffrey bounds over to them.

  Peter is amazed.

   “So how should they model?” Wade asks, looking at Peter seriously.

 He can’t help but giggle. “They’re a cat. They can do whatever the heck they want.” He says, already bringing his camera up to his face.

  After taking dozens of pictures of Jeff, stretching and laying in the grass, Peter looks through them on his camera, tuning out the world around him as he usually does during a shoot.

  “Baby boy, you’re so fucking adorable.”

  Peter jumps in surprise- he’d forgotten about Wade. He’s eternally glad the camera strap is around his neck or else his camera would be in pieces on the ground.

  “Uh… that’s-” Before Peter can say ‘inaccurate’, Wade smooshes his cheeks and looks straight at Peter’s eyes. _Ahhh, we’re way too close oh fuck._ Peter’s heart begins to pick up.

  “You didn’t even flinch at the touch of my hand when you shook it earlier, Jeff obviously loves you, and you even said I’m attractive. You’ve got the cutest face I’ve ever seen, and you’re so smart and adorkable and I think I really really like you, but that’s obviously creepy because I’m still a stranger and-,” Wade begins to retrieve his hands from Peter’s face and stepping back with a worried look on his face.

  As Wade’s hands fall away, Peter grabs his wrist just in time. “Can I have your phone number?” It’s the first thing Peter can think of because _holy shit um does Wade like me like I like him?_

   Now Wade looks confused as hell, “What?”

  “I really like you too, and I want to be able to talk to you more than just notes at night.” At this point, Peter can’t tell if he’s blushing or not.

  Wade looks at him with wonder.

Then he breaks into an impossibly beautiful smile, and Peter knows he’s screwed, “Of course, baby boy, I’d do anything for you.”

 

 

 


End file.
